Somewhen and Somewhere in Newport Beach
by Kerschi-Puky
Summary: It's the sequel to "Somewhen and Somewhere in New York. It deals with Ryan copingwith the obstacles of a patchwork family. First 3 chapters revised!
1. Prologue

**A/N:**Hey guys, sorry for the late update, but life's crazy right now, but I do porimise to finish this story. I might not be the fastest writer, but until now I've finished all of my stories and I didn't plan on changing that.

So the first two chapters are a little revised which will be important for the new chapters. Don't worry. I'll go back to the old plot, but I decided to change the chronology of events to: 1. make everything more plausible and 2. to give the characters a little more room to develope.

The third chapter is more or less totally revised. I think I havenow found my idea where I want to head with the story.

Thank you all sooooooooo much for your patience and I hope I can reward you for it at least a little =)

**Prologue:**

_Ryan always knew that he was different from the other kids. He was odd or strange or something and that night he got the proof, although he didn't understand it then. He always felt like an outsider at school and at home. Of course he was odd. They said he was sick, but he thought it was a lie. He didn't feel sick, only the medicine they made him take made him feel awfully sick. There had to be something wrong, obviously. Wasn't medicine there to make you feel better and not worse? And weren't you supposed to feel really bad before you took the medicine and not afterwards? He didn't understand what was going on with him then, but he trusted his Mom when she told him that everything was going to be alright with him. His Mom always had been his anchor, because she was the only one who didn't make him feel like an outsider. They had a lot in common, probably from the very beginning. She loved music as much as he did. She taught him how to play the piano when he had just turned four. Since then, he couldn't live without it anymore. It was as if this very moment had turned his whole life upside down._

_"Come here Ryan," his Mom gently ordered him to come over to the piano stool on which she sat. He did as he was told and when he was within his Mom's reach, she picked him up and sat him down beside her. It was the first time that he looked on the clavier. He was mesmerized by the polished shiny white and black keys. He reached out for one to touch, but then draw back again. Too afraid to damage it, he didn't dare touching even one of the keys. He would have never forgiven himself for it, because he knew how much his Mom loved that piano._

_"Touch it. Don't be shy," his Mom told him. He looked up at her, unsure whether he had understood what she said._

_"Give me your hand," his Mom said after Ryan was staring at her for a long moment. He reached out for her and she gently took his hand, guiding it toward the keys and laying it gently on the clavier. For the first time Ryan felt the cold, even and perfect key. It was that very moment in which something happened with him, something he still had no explanation to and something he wished had never happened, because it made him drift even further apart from his Dad to a point from which his father seemed unreachable for him. With his Mom's help he pressed the first key and was amazed what sound he was capable of producing. Amazed he looked at his Mom._

_"You like it?" she asked a big smile drawn on her face, which made Ryan even happier than he already was. He nodded._

_"Shall I show you how to play?" she asked him again and he nodded. And from then on she started teaching him. When he turned older and knew more about how to play, they spent hours playing together, all to his father's dismay. But at that point he and his father had drifted so awfully apart that Ryan started pretending that he didn't care what his father thought about him. He also reached that point at which he understood the meaning of what had happened the one night in hospital when his Mom met the man he had never seen before. He must've been about eight. He has had surgery a few days ago. It was already late. Ryan knew that, because all lights were either switched off or dimmed. His Mom stayed with him during the nights. He was already old enough for being alone at day, but at nights he still was scared. He was supposed to sleep, but he couldn't. Even today he had trouble getting proper sleep in hospital. His Mom had stepped out of his room to a man he hadn't seen again since then. He could see him through the window of his room from which he could see what was going on in the corridor. The man had blond, long unruly hair and Ryan thought he was a friend of his Mom's. The door wasn't closed and now Ryan was old enough to understand that it wasn't supposed to stay open._

_"Kurt, what are you doing here?" his Mom silently hissed, casting a glance over to him. Ryan immediately closed his eyes, because he didn't want his Mom to know that he was eavesdropping. _

_"I'm here to see him," the man replied in low voice. Ryan didn't get whom he meant with "him"._

_"That's not a good idea and I told you so," his Mom told the man._

_"But he's my son too." That was the sentence which took Ryan years to understand. He had always thought of his Dad being his Dad. Okay, they didn't have a lot in common and his Dad didn't like him being around, but his Mom always told him it was because he had a difficult job and was exhausted when he was home. Ryan never questioned his mother._

_"Kurt, don't make it even more difficult as it already is. I don't want to put Sandy through this. He had endured enough with things as they are, so please go and don't come back," his Mom whispered an explanation._

_"You can't do this to me. You told me you love me and that you want to leave Sandy."_

_"It was a mistake. I've been mistaken. You need to understand. It had been a difficult time then and…I needed some sort of help."_

_"Oh and now you don't need me anymore? I have rights too and if you won't give them to me I'll go and take them myself," the man sounded upset saying these words. Ryan felt like a little spy, listening to this, whatever it was about, while his Mom thought he was asleep. Later Ryan would wish to not having listened to a single word of it._

_"Kurt, please don't. Ryan has enough on his plate. I…want to protect him from any further pain. If not for me then do it for him. It's not his fault. He shouldn't suffer the consequences of our mistakes."_

_"Laura, it's not that easy as you think and you know it."_

_"Do you think it's easy for me? Think about Sandy. I don't want to know how hard it is for him."_

_"Alright. I got it," the man finally said and then left. He watched his Mom standing in the corridor watching the man leave, retrieving a tissue from the pockets of her trousers and wiping her eyes. His Mom was sad, that much he got. But he didn't know why and he didn't know what to do to make her happy. Somehow, he never knew what to do to make her happy. She seemed to always being surrounded by a melancholy he had no cure for._

Ryan stared at the ceiling of a foreign home, a home in which he wasn't any more welcomed than in any other he'd been before. Maybe he should go looking for this blonde man from the hospital corridor. But how? He got up from the bed and started his notebook. A search engine wasn't helpful since he had no name. Within seconds he was staring at the homepage of Julliard, where his Mom had been working. He was browsing through the side listing the teachers, but nobody on the pictures looked like this man. But where else could his Mom have met this guy? His Mom might have met him before. She hasn't been on tour the day he was born, at least that was what she blamed his father for every time they fought about who got to take care of him. His glance focused on a picture of Carmen García. She's been his mother's best friend. Maybe she knew? But could he just write her and ask who the man was his Mom had an affair with? Could he simply do that? His Mom must've had a good reason for keeping this man away from him and he didn't want to disregard her efforts. He was sure she wasn't ridden by selfish or bad motives, but his inner self was pressuring him to break free from the cage he was caught in, from the cage his father kept him in. All he was looking for was acceptance, maybe some nice words of true acknowledgement or some words of comfort. He sought for nothing more, just a place where he didn't feel as out of place as he did here. He wasn't sure whether he could survive here, whether he could survive exposed to his father's neglect or anger on a day-by-day basis. He gathered all the courage he had left and started to write an e-mail to his mother's best friend. It took him what felt like hours until he eventually was satisfied enough to send it.


	2. Chp 1: Odd

**Chapter 1**

It was nearly noon when Kirsten decided to check on Ryan. He'd been awfully tired since he arrived at her house and slept most of the time. If he wasn't sleeping he holed up in his room and wasn't to be seen during the whole day. It was sad to see that the relationship between Ryan and her son was more than tense. Seth didn't even bother asking his former friend whether he wanted to hang out with him and his friends. Kirsten really had hoped that Seth and Ryan would get along. Of course Kirsten was happy for her son eventually having found friends in Newport and Marissa and Summer were good girls, but she was suspicious about Luke and his gang. Usually Luke seemed to be a responsible boy in her opinion, but the other boys were trouble.

"Hey Ryan," she said, head peeking through the slightly opened door. She waited for a response but got none. She saw the lights of a screen flickering through the room and decided that it was safe to enter. Ryan was sitting in front of his notebook, a sheet of paper lying on the keyboard Ryan was staring at.

"Hey, what's that?" she asked directly, putting a gentle hand onto his shoulder, causing Ryan to jump.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Kirsten apologised immediately.

"Uh…nothing…just…" Ryan stammered. Once again Kirsten felt how difficult it was to approach Ryan and how distant Ryan still behaved.

"Carmen García, is there something your Dad and I should know about?" Kirsten asked teasingly. She was reminded of Seth's shyness when she started asking him about Summer and she thought it was cute how Seth started to blush each time she mentioned her to him.

"Nobody," Ryan hissed, putting the sheet of paper out of her sight.

"Sorry, actually I just came here to remind you of breakfast," she said.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a second," Ryan replied making clear that he was waiting for her to leave.

"No need to rush," she replied in an attempt to smooth the waters. It was difficult to get Ryan to open up a little. It was not much different between Seth and Sandy, but there was some constant progress to be observed, though. Small things made her notice that the relationship between Sandy and Seth was improving: they went together to get take out; they were having little conversations at breakfast or dinner; Seth had stopped being offensive towards Sandy. Ryan to the contrary was only talking little to her, only if necessary. It sometimes felt as if he was avoiding her and then again, he didn't behave differently towards Sandy as well. She noticed that there were more issues between Sandy and Ryan than just a stereotype teenage attitude, but she couldn't grasp what it was. She needed to talk to Sandy. The tension between him and his son was affecting her whole home and she had to solve it.

"Here I am," she heard Ryan saying from behind her. Looking at his still pale, rather ashen complexion, she was once more convinced that Ryan was coming down with something, but she pretended not to notice. In fact, she didn't want to notice any of it since she feared the cause of his lethargy, weakness and fragile overall appearance. It was easier to blame his reluctance of being in California for it.

"Some coffee?" she asked him.

"Yes, please," he replied. She poured a mug of coffee and handed it to him.

"Is my Dad around?" he asked curiously.

"No, he has a meeting today," she told him. He frowned. She tilted her head asking him that way what he was frowning at.

"I just hoped that he wouldn't spend our first vacations working nonstop," he explained to her. She opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it again, afraid of saying something wrong, causing another storm. Somehow she started to think that Sandy might not have told Ryan everything regarding their "vacations" in California.

"Was it just that or did you want to convince your Dad from this summer camp?" Kirsten sought for more information. Indeed, Sandy and Ryan already had a big fight about this. Sandy wouldn't let Ryan go, which was only understandable. Ryan needed to recover first and recovery meant rest and not hopping through the country.

"Yeah, know what? I actually consider it as workshop and big chance, because working with famous musicians you probably don't even have heard of is a big thing for me and being explicitly invited is…you might consider it as an honour, but hey I don't expect anyone of you to understand that," Ryan snapped sarcastically. She hated it if he started talking like that.

"Why are you behaving like this? We are all doing our outmost to make this work, only you don't want to tag along with us. Why?" she was at a loss. She had feared that Seth would act like that. She had never thought that Ryan would be the one making their relationship fail.

"Why are _you_ behaving like this? We're talking about two weeks, maybe the two most important weeks of my life, but nobody cares. Nobody gives shit about what I want, but I shall accept all your decisions you're making on my behalf? No, thanks," Ryan hissed angrily and then stormed off. Kirsten huffed at his comment not believing that Ryan was capable of such imprudence.

**_At the beach_**

Ryan sat at the beach. He couldn't concentrate on the book he was reading. Carmen answered his e-mail, but she didn't know much either. She only knew that his Mom has had an affair with a man called Kurt and that this man went back home several years ago. She presumed that home in this case might mean Great Britain, since he had an accent, but she wasn't sure about that either. Ryan sighed. That was not much. How was he supposed to find this man? His attention was drawn from his thoughts by squealing and joyful screaming. He looked up and saw four teenagers running his direction. As they got closer he could make out one big, hulky blond guy. As they got even closer, nearly in front of him at the waterline, he recognised Seth. He sighed and was about to turn his attention back to his book, but then Seth looked his direction – at him. Ryan looked back, their eyes locked, but Seth turned around pretending as if they were being strangers to each other. They ran past him. Abruptly one of the girls, a brunette beautiful girl, stopped and looked his direction as well. She was about to walk his way when another, tall and lanky, girl came and grabbed her, dragging her with her into the direction the others were running. Ryan sighed. This wasn't the way he thought he'd spent his vacations. Of course he knew that his star would be a little bumpy since Seth still seemed to be angry with him, but Ryan had hoped to sort it out. Seth wouldn't let him. Again Ryan felt the disappointment after being used as a stopgap. But then again, where was the difference between being alone in New York and being alone in California. Yes, he was attending school in New York and he was part of an orchestra and such, but it didn't mean he had friends. He had none. If good grades were needed or if they wanted to win a contest, then he was good enough, but nobody ever asked him whether he wanted to go to a party with them or to the cinema. He just didn't belong. He shook off his thoughts and went back to his book.

"Hey, Ryan!" he heard a familiar voice calling his name. He looked up and found Kirsten's parents walking his way.

"Hey," he replied.

"Didn't you join Seth? I guess, he came this way, didn't he?" Mrs. Nichol, Rose, said.

"Uh…don't know. I didn't see him," Ryan lied. Snitching on Seth wouldn't help his case and anyway, he didn't want to bother the others with his problems.

"Yeah, this is still new to him. Having friends and most importantly having a girlfriend. He'll be back to normal in no time, believe me. He hasn't forgotten about you," she said. It was strange, but this woman was so awfully warm-hearted, although she didn't know him. She never seemed to think badly about people. In fact, it was difficult not to like her.

"Is this all you planned on doing during vacations? Sitting at the beach and read?" Kirsten's father asked. He was a rough man, and somehow he and his wife didn't really match. At least that was what it looked like from the outside.

"Cal! If this is what he likes doing, why not? It's still better than frying his brains in front of a computer," Mrs. Nichol admonished her husband. Ryan was amused by their little bickering in which nobody was hurt.

"But maybe you want to see some other parts of Newport?" she suggested.

"Yeah, we're on our way to the pier, so if you want to join us," Mr. Nichol invited him.

"Uh, that's really nice, but I think I'll stay here," Ryan replied. It didn't feel right to steal other peoples' time. Added to that, he wasn't ready for being a fifth wheel. At the end they would only hold against him what they did for him and that they offered up their time for him. No, he didn't want to risk any of it. He just wanted to be left in peace.

"C'mon. What have you seen already? I'm sure there are some nice spots left you haven't seen yet," Mr. Nichol countered. He obviously wasn't the kind of man who took "no" for an answer. Yes, this man was intimidating, but then again he was speaking his mind openly which made it easier for Ryan to assess him.

"You know how to keep a stony silence?" he asked when Ryan didn't react. But what should he answer? That he hasn't seen anything? What would they think of him? That would only force them more to show him around and that was the least Ryan wanted.

"I think, he's just shy, but you don't have to. We'd be happy if you joined us. I'm sure you could do with a Balboa-Bar," Mrs. Nichol said. Ryan had no clue what she was talking about.

"By the look on your face, I bet you've never had a Balboa-Bar, right?" Mr. Nichol looked through Ryan's façade. Ryan only nodded.

"Well, only the more reason to come with us," Mrs. Nichol held out a hand to Ryan, but he remained seated. He didn't know how to react. He didn't know these people. He didn't know how to act around them. What if Seth found out? He wouldn't be pleased. He'd rather be jealous and Ryan couldn't take anymore of Seth's meanness.

"Don't be a chicken. We don't bite and if you're worried about my husband then just think about barking dogs," Mrs. Nichol tried to convince him. She wore a warm smile. She always did. It was hard not to trust her. She seemed to understand him, although he never told her anything.

"Come here," Rose encouraged him again this time reaching her hand out to him. Ryan wasn't sure whether it was okay to go with them, but it felt impolite if he didn't take them up on their offer after their attempt of convincing him. Eventually Ryan got up. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. It might help him forgetting all his trouble for a few hours.

"That's right young man. Old people from time to time need youngsters to cheer them up," Mr. Nichol said and, in a cheerful manner, put an arm around Ryan's shoulder. "Jeez kid, these are only skin and bones. You'll need more than one Balboa-Bar," Mr. Nichol said. Ryan noticed the strange look Mr. Nichol casted over to his wife and immediately Ryan felt bad. He'd better reclined their offer.

**_In the evening_**

Their kids were out or in their rooms when Kirsten eventually found time to talk to Sandy.

"Did you notice that Ryan is awfully tired lately?" she asked him.

"Yeah, but he needs some time to recover from all the treatments. Added he had some strenuous weeks. Trust me, he'll be better after a few more days," he told her. This was the answer she needed to hear and it was what she wanted to hear. Everything else wouldn't fit into their lives right now. But then again, she couldn't deny that she felt sorry for Ryan. She went through Seth's turmoil when they decided to move thus she could relate to Ryan's situation.

"Yeah, probably he only needs to catch up on some sleep. Seth has had a busy semester as well," she replied absently.

"See, nothing to worry about," Sandy told her leaning forward for kissing her. She turned her head away. They needed to talk. Sandy distraction wasn't helping with that.

"You did tell Ryan that this was a permanent move, did you?" she asked on. Sandy leant back and sighed.

"Not yet," he answered her. Her jaw dropped. Her suspicion proofed right.

"Sandy, how could you?" she admonished him, slapping his upper-arm.

"I had no other option. If I'd told him that this was permanent, he would have done anything to boycott the move. I'll tell him as soon as I know whether I got the job or not. Why causing a fight over nothing?" he explained to her.

"You might be right. Ryan doesn't make a secret out of his dislike regarding me," she sadly described Ryan's offending and also cold attitude towards her. She really had tried, but Ryan was immune to all her attempts of being nice.

"He's in some sort of phase right now. He doesn't act any better around me either. It'll pass, but if it makes you feel better, I'll talk to him," Sandy offered her. She thought about it for a second, but then abandoned this idea. Sandy and Ryan were fighting enough. She didn't want to add another reason to those constant fights.

"No, thanks. Hopefully, you're right. Somehow, I can't get rid of the idea that there's more to the strained situation between you and Ryan than you actually want to tell me," she gave him an insight in her opinion of things.

"Kirsten, believe me, that's nothing for you to worry about. I got it covered. I told you that I and Ryan never had the best relationship. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It's a constant up and down. It'll get better at some point of time," Sandy tried to sooth her worries and she believed him, wanted to believe it. What they had built up over the last few days was awfully fragile and she didn't want it to crumble under a mere touch of nothing. She needed what she had gained. With that thought she nestled in Sandy's arm, breathing in his smell, feeling his warmth lulling her to sleep.


	3. Chp2: Done

**Chapter 2**

_"I'm so proud of you!" His Mom beamed of pride after the concert, his first solo concert. He'd been awfully nervous for days, nearly thrown up back stage. He was glad that it was over with. He was not the type for being on stage, looked at by hundreds of people whom he even didn't know most of, but seeing his mother that happy made it worth it. He'd do everything if it made her happy and if it was only for a few minutes of the day._

_"Come here my big boy," she said pulling him into a warm heartedly bear hug. The concert hall was deserted. It was only him and his Mom, still his eyes darted into every corner, trying to see whether there was still someone._

_"He's not here. Had an important appointment. I'm sorry," his Mom sighed. Ryan felt guilty for what he had done at the sight of sadness washing over his Mom's face._

_"It's okay," he answered trying to hide his disappointment as well as he could. He didn't want his Mom being sad because of something which wasn't her fault._

_"So, how do you think we should end this evening?" she asked, putting an arm around his shoulders and guiding him out of the hall, out into the freezing winter of New York._

_"Don't know. I have school tomorrow, so I think we should head home now," he said a little confused about his mother's question._

_"Hey, no need to be shy. This was your first solo concert. That's something to celebrate!" his Mom exclaimed excited._

_"Yeah, but I still need to get out early tomorrow," Ryan intervened._

_"One day missing school won't hurt you, so why worrying?" Ryan felt unsure about his Mom's suggestion. His father wouldn't like the idea of Ryan missing school because of a concert. Ryan was already too involved in music, to the very dislike of his father, who used to claim Ryan was letting school slight for the music. It was no secret that his father favoured an academic career for Ryan. No, there was no need for annoying his father more than he already was._

_"What do you think about enjoying a night in? We could order pizza or Chinese and watch a movie?" Ryan suggested instead._

_"You're way too responsible for your own good. But sounds good to me. Now we only need to get a movie," she said with a warm smile._

_They had a nice evening together, sitting in the den chatting about this and that while a movie played on the screen and snowflakes were silently falling to earth. Ryan always enjoyed these quite evenings with his Mom. He felt save then and secure, no matter how event- and stressful the day has been. His Mom gave him the feeling of being protected. No matter what, she was there always helping and supporting, always soothing and always proud of him. _

_His Dad came home late that evening. The fighting started as soon as his father stepped into their apartment._

_"Where have you been?" he heard his Mom asking his Dad with this accusing undertone swaying with her voice._

_"I had a meeting. I told you so," his father replied coldly._

_"You're always having meetings and appointments when Ryan and his music are concerned," he heard her hiss. Ryan turned around in bed, pulling the blanket higher, trying to muffle their voices._

_"And you know why."_

_"No, I don't," his Mom insisted on receiving an answer._

_"I'm just trying to prevent a situation which outcome I might regret later."_

_"C'mon Sandy, stop blaming Ryan for my misconduct. It's not fair," he heard his Mom trying to push Ryan out of his father's line of fire._

_"No, indeed, it's not fair at all."_

_"Sandy, don't run away from this. He's been awfully disappointed when he realised that you haven't been there, again."_

_"He knows what I think about all of this. He knew I wouldn't be there," he heard his father's voice growing louder and harsher and it was difficult to not to listen to their fight. Ryan's heart sank at the thought that all their fights revolved around him. He felt awful because of that._

_"Do you even know how much it'd mean to him if you were just there, one single time? Do you know how much a "well done" or a "I'm proud of you" from you would mean to him? But instead, all you do is telling him that if he'd spend less time for music he'd be better in school. Do you even know how hard he's working? For both, school and music?"_

_"But that's the truth. He could be much better, if he…"_

_"Sandy, he's already top of the class. What more do you expect? Besides, you shouldn't forget on how much he's already missing out…because of the cancer. You can't ask him for giving up the only thing which doesn't depend on his health."_

_"Yeah and in my opinion he should spend this precious time he has with his friends and not always at the piano, on stage or anywhere else you're dragging him."_

_"What friends?" Ryan cringed at his mother's words._

_"Those he might have if you gave him some free time once in a while instead of condemning him to practice several hours each day. Damn it, he's a teenager. He needs space to develop." Ryan couldn't deny that sometimes he really wished he had more time for other things, but he also knew how important the music was for his Mom and seeing her happy as today was worth the sacrifice. _

_"You know how valuable such a talent like his is. There are not many people around the world who have what he has. It'll be a shame wasting it, so I ask you kindly for support," his Mom countered._

_"I'm not asking anymore, I'm demanding," his father replied dryly, and with that the fight grew even rougher. Ryan tried his best not to hear any of it. He wanted to ignore it, but he couldn't anymore. He got up to tell his parents to stop their fight. When Ryan reached the den he was shocked about what he found there. His parents were screaming and shooting angry glares at each other seeming as if they were about to jump each other ready to kill the other one. They didn't notice him until his Mom's head turned into his direction._

_"Ryan?" She asked him, her voice suddenly calm and warm as it usually was when she talked to him._

_"Sorry," he mumbled and went back to bed. He didn't know what to say about what he had seen. He didn't know how to react. His emotions were a big bundle of unidentifiable feelings. He went back to bed. At least, it had become silent now and he was able to sleep._

_"Ryan?" He heard his mother's soft voice. He felt how she sat down on the edge of the bed, gently rubbing his back in circles._

_"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to listen to it," she started to apologise. She always did when she noticed Ryan had listened to one of their fights._

_"It's okay," Ryan mumbled. He was tired of that. He hated if a good day ended like that. It was ruining everything._

_"No, it's not. And I want you to know that nothing of this is your fault," his Mom tried to assure him, but Ryan had trouble believing him._

_"Didn't sound like that," he replied. He didn't want his Mom having to lie only to protect him._

_"But it's the truth. Your father is angry with me, because of what I did," she tried to explain the reasons for their fights to him._

_"So, I'm your mistake?" Ryan asked her bluntly. He didn't want to be placated anymore. He was too old for that._

_"No! You're not a mistake. And your father might not be there a lot, but he does love you, in his own way. Believe me," she said, lying down next to him, cupping him with her body, wrapping one arm around him._

_"He's only worried about you. That's all. We both love you and it'll never change," she said and then stayed with him until he fell to sleep, speaking soothing words which lulled him to sleep._

The next day's evening his Dad and Kirsten had decided to go out for dinner. They wanted to celebrate. Ryan honestly didn't know what there was to celebrate. But Ryan played along, tried to be polite to Kirsten. He wanted to use his father's good mood for persuading him from letting him go to L.A. for two weeks working with first class musicians. Ryan needed to go there. This could be his chance and Ryan just wanted to feel how it felt not being the odd one, but being just like the others. He just wanted to feel normal for once. When Ryan decided that he was dressed up nicely enough he took a deep breath and braced himself for his next attempt. Maybe if he showed his father that he was willing to cooperate he could propitiate him. He found his Dad in the kitchen waiting for the other two.

"You ready? That was fast," his father acknowledged that Ryan really had tried this time not to annoy him.

"And Ryan, I know that you didn't want to come here and I know that you might not always feel comfortable, but please don't let it out on Kirsten. She's really doing her outmost to make us feel at home," his father alleged. Ryan sighed to not to start boiling with rage. Ryan should have foreseen that Kirsten would grass. Ryan already saw his case lost, but he hadn't given up yet.

"Yeah…uh sorry," Ryan answered. It was easier if not everybody around here treated me like the unwanted attachment, Ryan added in his thoughts. But then Ryan got an idea how to use that situation to his advantage.

"You know, it'll be all easier for everyone if…you'd just let me go to the workshop," Ryan suggested earning a glare from his father.

"No, it wouldn't make things easier. It even would complicate things, since you'd miss two weeks you need to adjust," his father countered angrily.

"Yeah, why is it so important that I adjust to this here?" Ryan replied bitterly not getting why he should get used to a situation he was about to leave within a few weeks again.

"Because it's pretty serious between me and Kirsten and if we want to have a functioning relationship we have to include you and Seth as well. So, do me a favour and at least try to enjoy it here," his father started to play down Ryan's question.

"Great, and what this workshop might mean to me is uninteresting since you think music is anyway totally overrated?" Ryan asked sarcastically.

"You know my opinion about all this. If you're off age you can go to as many workshops as you want to, but as long as I'm responsible for you, I will make the decision which will be in your best interest."

"Only your opinion of what is in my interest doesn't necessarily have to be mine," Ryan replied dryly giving in. It was useless talking to his father about this. His father turned around to face him, disbelieve displayed on his face, but before he got a chance to say something the two of them were interrupted my Rose and Caleb Nichol arriving.

"Hey, you two. I hope we're not late," Rose apologised while hugging his father as greeting as she did with him too.

"Rose, look around. Seth and Kiki are not ready yet so we're perfectly in time," Caleb snarled patting Ryan's shoulder. It didn't remain unnoticed by Ryan that Caleb was eyeing his father warily. Something told Ryan that Caleb wasn't fond of his father.

**_Later that evening_**

When they were sitting at their table, his Dad and Kirsten acted as if everything was alright. They were oblivious to the tension between Ryan and Seth, Ryan and Sandy and even between Kirsten and Ryan. Ryan realised that it was him who was the source of the disharmony among them, only Rose and Caleb didn't expect anything from him and thus didn't act disappointed towards him.

After the starter was served his Dad eventually cleared his throat announcing that he was about to reveal the secret.

"So, I guess you want to know what there is to celebrate," his father started talking into their direction.

"Well, I'll tell you. I got a new job here in California." Ryan's jaw dropped. How was this possible? Why didn't Ryan know about his father's efforts finding a new job somewhere opposite of New York? Why didn't he tell him? This had to be a mistake.

"So, they'll move in permanently?" Seth asked, his sole worry being that someone might take away what was his. Caleb and Rose looked puzzled too. They obviously didn't know about this news either.

"I thought so, but of course only if you agree with it," Kirsten replied. Great. Why did Seth get a say in this major change in his, Ryan's, life but he didn't?

"Sandy's been staying with us already so _he_ shouldn't be the problem," Seth hissed angrily glaring at Ryan. Ryan felt a knot developing in the pit of his stomach. His father glared at him waiting for an answer.

"Alright," Ryan started, "just to get this straight. You sought and got a job here, in California, and you planned all this behind my back without giving me a word or even a chance to think about it. You knew from the beginning of this trip that this was permanent," Ryan rather stated than asked his father. He didn't hide his anger. Ryan waited for his father to answer and he did with a nod.

"And it didn't occur to you that I might want to know about such a life changing fact in advance so I can prepare and maybe say goodbye to some friends?"

"Wait, you're having friends?" Seth smirked, but earned a warning glare from his mother.

"Seth!" Rose admonished her grandson.

"C'mon Ryan. You would have never agreed to this. You'd sabotaged this and I didn't want this to go wrong. This new job is a great opportunity for me. This is the best for you and me. You'll see. It's a new start."

"You're so fucking self-righteous. It makes me sick," Ryan hissed. He was beyond angry. He couldn't stand their presence any longer. He got up. He needed space to breath.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Out," Ryan snarled and went off.

**_Meanwhile_**

"Well, that's a surprise," Caleb stated sarcastically.

"I know, but we didn't want to raise any hopes until we knew whether Sandy got the chance to stay here permanently," her daughter explained.

"So, you knew about this too?" Rose asked bewildered. She looked at Seth. His answer to this told her that her grandson wasn't ready yet for this change. And then she had to think about Ryan and how miserable he must feel at the very moment.

"Of course I did," Kirsten replied.

"And did you think about the kids? I mean this is a major change and…are you really okay with this?" Rose asked her grandson, fearing he might've been too polite as to demonstrate his disapproval as Ryan did.

"I…," her grandson stammered, a sign that he suddenly wasn't too sure himself. "I mean, Sandy had been staying with us before and…it worked out, so why not now? I'm only worried about Ryan moving in too, but Mom and Sandy should know that already," her grandson went on. Rose was concerned about how Seth's spoke of Ryan. He despised him and that made her worried. Seth of all people should know how it felt to be the outsider and the new one in town. How could he have forgotten about his own turmoil and do to Ryan what had been done to him for so long?

"Of course we all need to adjust to this situation, but with a little work and good will, we'll be a real family in no time," her daughter sounded optimistic saying that. In Rose ears this sounded too naïve.

"Excuse me, but I think someone should look after Ryan seeing how he's handling this news," her husband suddenly sprung off his chair.

"I come with you," Kirsten offered bashfully. She must've noticed that their plan was not only selfish, but even stupid. The kids obviously weren't ready for the next step. How could they've been oblivious to that?

"I think I come too," Rose decided. Ryan must feel awful. He'd been deracinated just like that, without been given a warning.

"Do you really think it takes three to get Ryan back? He's all skin in bones, even I, and I'm not very athletic, could drag his sorry ass back here," her grandson suddenly blurted.

"Seth! This is not the right place and the right time for being sarcastic," Rose admonished her grandson. She really liked to know what had gotten into her grandson lately. He not only had become awfully impolite, but he started to be mean to others as well. She had been glad at first seeing that he was coming out of his shell started making friends and found his first girlfriend, but with these changes came others too: he was obnoxious and talked back. He obviously picked on Ryan, something he'd never done a few months before. He became just alike so many other Newport kids. She'd always been so proud of her grandson not being one of those, but now? She had to sit down with him and talk. She needed to find out what had caused this change, but right now she also needed to check on her husband and Kirsten.

"Don't you want to come?" she asked Sandy who sat there and said.

"I'm the last person he wants to see right now, believe me," he sighed defeated, but Rose couldn't feel for him this time. He should've known that this was wrong. Presenting his son with a fait accompli wasn't the best way of introducing him to a major change in his life, especially not if the son was seriously sick and had just lost his mother. A kid like Ryan needed time and comfort and not a harsh leading hand.

"Ryan, I know that this…wasn't the right way of making a decision, but please come back in. We can talk about it in peace later at home," Rose heard her daughter plead. She shook her head when she saw her husband standing next to her. He only shrugged his shoulder. Kirsten couldn't seriously think that it was good for Ryan to go back to the restaurant and pretend as if nothing had happened. His whole life had changed from one second to another. He needed time to deal with it, to understand what had just happened.

"Know what? You all go back in, enjoy your dinner and…I just leave," Ryan huffed.

"That's not fair Ryan. We wanted this dinner to be the start of our family. We can't do this without you," her daughter started begging. Rose stood at her husband's side. She could tell he wasn't happy about the events either. Kirsten could have at least let them in on her plans. If they had known, they could've prevented the worst from happening, but now her daughter was sitting in front of ruins she had to clean up.

"That'd be easy, wouldn't it? I mean, if I just accepted every decision which is made over my head. But I'm done with it," Ryan sounded upset and exhausted at the same time.

"Okay, and how did you plan on going back home?" her daughter asked in a triumphant tone. Rose couldn't believe that her daughter could play this card only to pursue with her plans.

"I bring him home," Caleb suddenly intervened angrily. They both used to think to have done a good job teaching their daughter how to be a good parent and Kirsten had been a great mother during all those years, but meeting Sandy made her forget about everything a mother should consider.

"Dad?" Kirsten turned around to face them in disapproval.

"I think the kids have had enough for the evening. You and Sandy just told your boys that their lives as they know it is over. They need room to adjust to this new idea," Caleb went on.

"Mom?" Kirsten pleaded her to stop her husband from what he was about to do, but has much as it hurt Rose, she couldn't.

"I'm sorry honey, but this time you really made a mistake and…I think it was better if you and Sandy took the time to talk about what went wrong. We'll take Seth with us, if he wants to leave too. It's the best for the boys," Rose tried to sooth her daughter.


	4. Chp 3: Issues

**Chapter 3:**

Ryan felt bad. He felt really bad. Why did Kirsten's parents get involved in this, too? He easily could have taken a cab. He knew how to use those yellow vehicles. This was a bad omen which was crying out for trouble. Unfortunately, Seth didn't want to go home. He was an arse. He made use of the situation and played the role of the role-model-son to impress Ryan's Dad. Ryan was sure as hell that, when his Dad came home, he'd have to listen to the worst lecture ever. But for now he was stuck at the home of Rose and Caleb Nichol, since nobody of them had the keys to Kirsten's home. Ryan doubted that his life could get any worse.

"Here, I hope you like chicken sandwiches," Rose said as she offered him a plate with several sandwiches piled up on it. Ryan didn't feel like eating. It was actually the last thing on his mind.

"Thanks, …but…I'm not really hungry," Ryan mumbled. How could his father possibly have done this to him? Dragging him to the other side of the continent without even asking him? Ryan couldn't imagine living together with Kirsten and Seth. How was he supposed to deal with Seth's constant malice towards him? How was he supposed to warm to Kirsten who obviously saw him as mere obstacle? How was he supposed to become happy here? And what would his father do if he found out that Ryan couldn't meet this expectation? There was so much trouble about to come up to him. Suddenly Ryan felt too tried as if capable of dealing with it. He couldn't. He had no energy left.

"But you need to eat. You barely touched your dinner," Rose said putting a gentle hand on his arm. Ryan remained mute. He couldn't do this. He couldn't stay here. His Mom was still in New York. New York meant his Mom. He couldn't leave her without even saying goodbye. His Dad managed to take one more remaining piece of his mother away from Ryan. His father knew how much his Mom meant to him, regardless of what she did do or didn't do. How could he do this to him? If his father could leave everything behind just like that, then fine. However, Ryan wasn't like his father. He couldn't leave his life behind as if it meant nothing to him.

"I can imagine that all this must be a little too much for you right now, but you need to take care of yourself, too," Rose told him rubbing her hand up and down his arm. Why was she doing this? Shouldn't she be more concerned about her grandson, Seth?

"I know how difficult it is to get back to a normal life after such a long time revolving only around treatments and doctors, but no matter how hard it seems you need to start having proper meals if you want to make a fast recovery," Rose started to tell him. This caught his attention. He looked at her.

"I was diagnosed leukaemia eleven years ago. I still remember the day when the doctor told me as if it was just yesterday. My world collapsed and I was afraid, but not of the possibility of dying, but because of what you hear about chemo and radiation. I was so glad having Caleb. He really did a good job supporting and helping me during all that time. Still, after they told me I was cancer free, I thought I was through with it. I never thought it'd be that difficult to get back to normal life, since this had always been what I wished for," Rose explained to him and somehow, although Ryan felt sorry for her having to go through the same shit, he felt some sort of welcoming connection growing between them. He wasn't sure whether it was right, since Rose was Seth's Grandma.

"Rose, I think what the boy needs now is some cheering up," Caleb entered the kitchen interrupting their conversation.

"I know, I just wanted to let him know that, if he feels like talking to someone who might understand him better than the others, he can come over here, anytime," Rose added. Ryan's head shot up in surprise. Nobody had ever offered him a sympathetic ear and especially not when it was about his…condition or however one wanted to refer to it. Ryan would never consider turning to Rose, though. It would only complicate things if Seth found out that Ryan and Rose had something in common. On the other hand, the idea of having someone who really understood was awfully tempting, but Ryan would resist as he always did.

"Do I see chicken sandwiches?" Caleb asked sheepishly. He took one, and immediately earned a slap on his hand from Rose.

"These are for Ryan. He needs to eat something," Rose admonished her husband grinningly. They really seemed to be a couple in love and Ryan tried to imagine if his parents could have been able to overcome their difficulties to become a couple just like that.

"That's true. Maybe he'll develop an appetite if we just changed the topic. How about talking about the national wide music contest you won with your crew," Caleb mentioned out of the blue causing Ryan to blush. This was seriously nothing he wanted to talk about right now.

"What are you talking about?" Rose looked confused.

"About the brilliant piece of music Ryan composed. I have to say, you won quite rightly," Caleb added.

"It's…nothing. I didn't even play. I just arranged it," Ryan tried to downplay his achievement. After his father's statement Ryan didn't think it was such a big deal as he had first thought it was.

"You what? Your Dad must be pretty proud of you," Rose beamed of …pride? How could she do that? She didn't even know him. Ryan was confused. These people barely knew him and though they treated him as if he was one of them

"Yeah…no…he's not really into music. It was rather my Mom's thing," Ryan tried to rescue his father.

"Oh and there I hoped someone could explain my husband the reason for an early education in music," Rose sighed jokingly.

"Letting Kiki try the violin was an awful idea, but Hailey…oh dear. No, they definitely didn't inherit your musical genes," Caleb teased his wife.

"That's sad but true. Unfortunately, Seth doesn't have a sense for music as well, but with our new family addition, I finally got someone who understands the effect of classical tunes. Do you even play an instrument?" Rose asked full in anticipation. Ryan felt the urge to pretend that they were talking about someone else. He really didn't like being in the centre of attention, but he couldn't lie to her.

"The piano and…the guitar, but that one just a little," Ryan replied shyly. He had difficulties talking about music since his mother died. Every time it felt like this shortly healed wound was opening up again, leaving a burning and searing sensation on his skin.

"Why so shy young man? That's nothing to be embarrassed of," Caleb said noticing Ryan's uneasiness regarding this topic.

"Only because I'm no man of music, it doesn't mean that I don't like listening to the one or other tune," he added. Ryan knew how it felt to be confronted with the total opposite of that one. His father not only was no man of music, but he seemed to even hate it. Ryan never found out the reasons, though.

"I hope I don't appear obtrusive by asking, but…would you mind playing for us? It's been years ago since someone played our piano," Rose asked kindly. Usually Ryan would have denied such a request, but this time he just couldn't.

**_Rose's POV_**

Rose was amazed by the young man's way to play. Not only listening to the music was a joy but also watching him. His fingers seemed like long-legged spiders running over the keys playing the presto, but then again they seemed like feathers brushing the keys when he played pianissimo. She rarely had felt so touched listening to music, but Ryan really did move something insider of her. He put so many emotions in his way of playing the piano she had never heard before. She did notice his reluctance to talk about music and his achievements though. But the wounds his mother's death had left were still fresh and being reminded of her probably still hurt. She felt sorry for him. His life has turned upside down twice within short time: first he lost his mother and then he lost his home. It was no wonder that Ryan did react the way he did to the news his father had opened to him just hours ago. On top of all it Ryan was still sick or at least not recovered yet. He probably was awfully overtaxed and needed some time to rest. Of course it was a good feeling that Sandy loved her daughter that much that he was willing to change his life for her and just moved to Newport only to be with her, but she wished he had considered his son's needs, too. She feared that this might be the hint showing that Sandy wasn't a good father. But then again, they all knew how love could blind you and it didn't stop when you grew up or reached an age beyond twenty. When hormones were involved the head remains mute.

After Ryan had played two songs for them Rose decided it was better to relieve Ryan of his burden. She didn't want him to hurt anymore under her roof. This would be the place for both the boys to retreat, because they needed it now. Still, Rose was amazed at how easily Seth seemed to accept Sandy around him. Sure, Seth has had time to get used to Sandy being around. Ryan's father had been over for a visit several times before and it was obvious that Sandy understood Seth's situation well. He treated Seth carefully and with respect, accepted it when Seth claimed his space and didn't try being a father but rather a friend. In this respect Rose had trouble to understand what made it so difficult for Sandy to act the same towards his own son. From Kirsten she knew that Ryan's and Sandy's relationship was awfully strained and these evening's events had been the proof. Rose also knew that Kirsten feared what was behind their issues and that it might affect her relationship to Sandy. Rose saw some of the reasons for these issues. Cancer was a crucial test for the bonds of a family and not every family passed this test. During her own time in hospital she had seen families first fighting, then crying and at the end falling apart. Added to that, both men had to deal with the loss of a beloved person. She was sure that this was enough to push a father-son-relationship to the edge.

"Mom? Dad?" she heard her daughter call.

"We're in the den," Rose called back. She casted a short look over to Ryan who remained indifferent.

"Hey!" Kirsten greeted them all with a warm-hearted hug. It didn't remain unseen that Ryan stepped back a little when Kirsten turned to him.

"How was the dinner?" Caleb asked his daughter.

"The food was good," her daughter answered with a sigh and Rose knew that the evening had been ruined for her, but hopefully this would be a warning to her to involve the boys in her decisions the next time.

"Is Seth with you?" Rose asked.

"No, but he and Sandy should come here soon, too," Kirsten answered her with an apologetic look which turned Rose concerned.

"So, it didn't went so well with Seth either?" She asked carefully.

"He's afraid of the change. Sandy and he get along quite well right now, but he and Ryan…we have a lot to sort out. Seth…he's afraid of this change," her daughter explained, her face turning into a painful expression. Nobody of the two adults had thought that this change would mean so much to their sons.

"So is Ryan," Caleb answered plainly. Rose shot a warning glare over to him, having realised that Ryan didn't like being in the centre of attention at all. Also she thought that they had no right to intervene. The two small families had to sort it out on their own. They could only play a supporting role in this.

**_Meanwhile_**

Sandy sat outside on the patio watching the horizon. He had underestimated the issues which stood between Seth and Ryan. Something he thought which was nothing but a fight between teenagers developed into a serious crisis which was about to ruin everything. Seth told them that it was already difficult to accept Sandy as the new man at his mother's side, but accepting Ryan as a brother he never really wanted was too much to ask for. At this Sandy cringed. Sandy knew that Seth had developed a serious case of antipathy towards Ryan, but he didn't expect it to reach such an extent. Also he had thought that after a long time of not seeing each other their fight was forgotten. It was difficult to really blame the fight the boys had for it. Sandy was sure there was more behind. He had to find out what it was. He couldn't let Seth pick on Ryan. Ryan needed his time to get used to the idea of becoming a family as well.

Seth stepped out. They needed to talk and it was easier talking at Seth's home where he could retreat and felt safe.

"You okay?" Sandy asked carefully.

"Not really," Seth admitted slumping down on a chair across from him

"I know, I mean you and Ryan didn't hide it," Sandy said trying to sound amused whilst in fact he was worried.

"I don't know what frightens you about the idea of Ryan and me moving in with you or your mother. Is it just the change or is there more behind it?" Sandy tried to sort things out between him and Seth.

"I don't need a brother, that's all," Seth snorted. Sandy sighed. They were running in circles with this. All Seth would say was that he didn't want Ryan around and Sandy was unable to detect whether this was all or whether there was even more behind.

"But this is not working without Ryan. I'm not moving in without him and you should know and understand why. Your mother wouldn't do this without you either," Sandy told him.

"Then don't," Seth answered bluntly.

**_Later on_**

The atmosphere in the den of Rose's and Caleb's home was thick with tension. Kirsten tried to smooth the waters by talking, but Ryan couldn't forgive her for what she had done. Maybe it was even her who made his father stay quiet about his plans of moving, but Ryan couldn't tell.

"Did Ryan eat?" Kirsten asked her mother. It was a mystery to him why she couldn't direct the question to him since he was in the same room with her.

"He had a sandwich," Rose replied.

"Ryan, you need to eat more," Kirsten reminded him of something Ryan was tired of listening to.

"I would've lost my appetite too, if I was Ryan," Caleb grumbled. Ryan had never thought that this always grimly seeming man would be the one understanding him. The doorbell rang, dragging them out of the strained conversation.

"I guess that would be Seth and Sandy," Rose said and got up to open the door. The knot in Ryan's stomach tightened. He knew it was his turn now. His Dad probably was beyond pissed since Ryan managed to ruin a whole evening. Rose re-entered the den with his father and a sulky Seth in tow.

"Now we're complete. Does anyone want something to eat or drink?" Rose offered cheerfully.

"No Mom, but thanks," Kirsten answered. His father's eyes met his, but instead of the feared anger they displayed exhaustion.

"Ryan, can…I talk to you, alone?" his father asked.

"Sure," Ryan replied, suppressing the fears in his stomach.

"I'll show you where my office is," Caleb offered and got up taking them to his office where he left them, closing the door behind him. His father sat down on the leather couch.

"So, this didn't went as well as I hoped," his father started. Ryan stayed mute and watched his father.

"I shouldn't be surprised shouldn't I?" his father went on. Whatever his father was about to say, beating around the bush always meant that whatever it was, it was hard for him. Ryan's stomach clenched with fear.

"Okay, so…I think, since Seth doesn't handle the new situation as good as Kirsten and I thought he would and…since he needs more time to adjust, it was better for us to move in our own home," his father said the words coming over his lips like pebbles. Usually, Ryan would've been glad that his father had understood that moving in with Seth and his Mom wasn't going to work out, but Ryan wasn't, the contrary. What Ryan's father said felt like a slap in the face to Ryan.

"Pardon?" Ryan just asked in disbelieve. Why was anyone concerned about Seth and how he dealt with the news? He, at least could stay in his familiar surroundings, his home. Ryan, instead had to leave everything behind without getting a single chance of making his own cut with his own life, and nobody cared?

"What?" his father countered with a strained voice. "Ryan, I'm sorry, we're not going back to New York. The job offer I got here is way too good as if I could let it slide just like that. It's better for _us_, and I'm not talking about the money here, but…other conditions: working from home, more room to organise my schedule as it suits us…I,…"

"And I'm not talking about staying here, but the simple fact that nobody seems to care about what I feel," Ryan suddenly blew his top. The rage which had been boiling inside of him since he left the restaurant needed more space and thus escaped. Ryan couldn't control it any longer.

"Ryan…calm down. I'm sorry, it…did come out all wrong…I…of course I do think about you…," his father tried to get out of the mess he manoeuvred himself into.

"Since when? Don't you think I do realise what you're doing all the time? Don't you think that I know that you'd rather be anywhere else than with me?" Ryan couldn't tell where these feelings came from, but they must've been slumbering somewhere in his soul and now thought it was the right time to be expressed.

"Ryan…please? What shall I do…to…it's not true what you're saying. Alright…how about you're going to L.A. have some fun and when you're coming back things have settled," his father suggested, but suddenly Ryan didn't want to go to L.A. anymore.

"Now I am allowed to go? Why? So you and Kirsten can start to set up a nice little family with Seth, while I'm gone and not causing trouble anymore?"

"Ryan…why are you getting me wrong? This…"

"Why? Because this is what you want, isn't it? You want to rid yourself of Mom's mistake and shipping me off was the best thing to do!"

"Ryan, stop this now. It doesn't belong here," his father replied determined this time. He obviously didn't want this issue discussed here, but Ryan didn't care.

"It doesn't belong here? Didn't you tell Kirsten already?" His father shook his head in reply. "Great, so you want to erase this mistake from your life, without her ever knowing, right?" Ryan was short of breath and his pulse was racing because of fury.

"Without me knowing what?" Their fight was suddenly disturbed by a calm, soft female voice. Kirsten stood in the door frame, her face drawn with worry.

"Kirsten, it's nothing. Ryan's just…," his father stammered, but Ryan couldn't take any more lies in his life. There've been too many of them as if he could hear any more of them.

"I'm not his fucking son," Ryan spat, raining on his father's parade.

"What?" Kirsten exclaimed shocked.

"I'm a fucking bastard," Ryan added on top of it and then ran off. He needed fresh air to cool down. He was on the drive way, when a firm but gentle hand grabbed his upper-arm.

"You shouldn't run away from this here. The problem won't solve on its own," Caleb said calmly without accusation.

"This problem will never be solved, with or without me. I'm tired of facing all our fights and problems," Ryan replied. Caleb released his arm and Ryan went off to the beach.


	5. Chp 4: Overcome

**A/N ****Thanks for your feedback! But please give Sandy a chance, because I never really intended him becoming such a bad father as he turned out to be. Thanks for reading =)**

**Chapter: 4**

_It's been the first time in years that he asked his Mom for help. Laura was out that night with some colleagues and he was left together with Ryan. Usually, Ryan was a very quiet baby. Sandy nearly feared that something was wrong with him, because he was so quiet. It seemed odd, but Laura assured to him that the boy was alright and he accepted her answer. Since Laura told him that she couldn't get a babysitter, it was on him to watch her kid, not yet his son. He sat in his office working on a case which was about to be trailed at court next week. Everything seemed perfect. It was quiet in the apartment and there was nothing distracting him. But at some point Ryan must have decided that he didn't want to be the quiet one anymore. At first Sandy thought he would stop crying when he realised that Laura, his Mommy, wasn't there. But he wouldn't stop. Sandy could hardly concentrate on the case and gave up after a couple of minutes. He went to the nursery looking whether something was wrong and all he found was a screaming baby. He stood there for a while, watching him. He felt like a spectator to this scene, because at that point of time he didn't feel like a father at all and especially not like Ryan's father. He started to slowly sway the cradle, hoping that this might sooth the kid, but it didn't. After what felt like hours his nerves were fried and he called his mother for help. He was lucky that she was home and actually had the time to stop by helping him._

_"Thanks Mom for coming. He's crying all the time and I don't know what to do," he said as soon as his Mom stood in front of him on the threshold._

_"Well, we'll see," she said and then entered the apartment. He led her directly to the nursery. Laura had painted it in a light blue and there was a little lamp on the windowsill which let shadows of fish run over the walls while playing a soft tune along the rhythm of the fish's movement. Sandy didn't understand what this was supposed to be good for, but accepted that Laura decided that her kid needed something like that._

_"Did you check his diapers?" his Mom asked. Diapers? Ew. No, this was not going to happen. He shook his head. This was Laura's job._

_"Sandy! What are you? Five?" his Mom scolded him. She gently picked up the baby bouncing lightly up and down, but that didn't sooth him either. She carefully placed him on the baby change unit and Sandy turned away. His stomach felt sick only thinking about what was in such a diaper. He was about to leave, since he wasn't sure whether he could survive the smell of baby-poo. _

_"Sanford Cohen, you won't leave me alone with this!" his Mom called him back. "Here take this," she caught him off guard placing the full diaper in his hand. It felt heavy and warm and Sandy started to feel dizzy. He had to pull himself together as to not to run to the next bin. He was an adult. He could deal with it, he told himself until he finally managed to dump the full diaper successfully in a bin without accident. He immediately went to the sink and washed his hands thoroughly, aware of the germs contained in such a diaper._

_"God Sandy! That's just a little baby-poo. It's just a little less, squashier and smellier compared to what you do every day;" his Mom entered the bathroom with Ryan still restless in her arms. Sandy felt ashamed. Of course his Mom was right. This was the most natural thing on earth and he had little siblings. He had seen enough poo for a life time. He also knew how to change a diaper. Hell, he was a big brother who changed his little sister's and his little brother's diapers. This wasn't supposed to be a challenge to him. The look on her face wasn't angry though, but rather concerned, though._

_"Apparently, he's not happy yet, aren't you?" his Mom started talking to Ryan who was still crying his lungs out. Sandy doubted that this was healthy and feared the baby might burst if it cried on._

_"Did you feed him?" his Mom asked him on._

_"Laura did before she left which was about an hour ago," Sandy answered._

_"Hmm, still, let's see if you're hungry," his Mom suggested. At least this time Sandy's head worked and he prepared a bottle for Ryan. He carefully measured the milk-powder and heated up the water in order to warm the bottle. He didn't know why, but out of some reason Laura couldn't breastfeed Ryan. Sandy didn't really understand why, but Laura never really explained it to him either. Later he would suspect that maybe Laura herself was the problem. After they tried the bottle and it didn't help either, his Mom started to worry too. She bounced Ryan up and down in her arms, rubbed his back and spoke soothing words into his ears, but nothing worked. Sandy was scared that Ryan was sick and instinctively placed a hand on the kid's head._

_"He's hot to the touch," he told his Mom. He wanted to remove his hand immediately, but something kept his hand on the smooth warm skin. Something was happening to him and he wasn't prepared for it. He felt how the warmth spread through him, relaxing his body and mind. Sandy looked at the kid and big piercing blue eyes stared back at him. Their eyes locked and time seemed to stand still. This was the moment in which Ryan created the connection which was the foundation for their ever so fragile bonding. It was as if Sandy started to understand everything and understood nothing though. It was the moment from which denial was no longer an option. This was one of the rare moments between him and his son._

_"That's because he's been crying for so long, but I think we found what he needs," his Mom nearly whispered and gently placed Ryan in his arms. He didn't take his eyes off the small boy in his arms. It's been the first time that he held him. Sandy felt his chest swell, but was reluctant to accept it as the pride of a father who, for the first time, held his new born. Ryan's body felt warm and Sandy felt the soothing rhythm of his breathes. He put his arms tightly around the kid, his kid. He would protect him. He only didn't know that it would become so difficult to protect his son. He carefully went to the den and sat down in one of the armchairs. He didn't want to wake Ryan again._

_"He felt your aversion," his Mom said silently. Sandy's eyes were glued to the little pink bundle of smooth warm skin in his arms. Suddenly Sandy had trouble to understand what kept him from being there for Ryan sooner. He was so peaceful and innocent. It wasn't his fault that he came to live with them under such strained and confusing circumstances._

_"You know, you can still challenge paternity," his Mom went on._

_"I know," Sandy answered. He'd been thinking about that a lot, but right at that moment it didn't feel right anymore. Yes, he was angry with Laura and he wasn't ready to forgive her for what she had done to him. He probably never would. He would put up with it, since this was the only option left to him. But then again, if he gave in just like that Laura had won and Sandy was afraid this would cause her to hurt him and his pride further. Sandy wasn't sure whether he could take any more of it._

_"I could understand if you did so. I mean, Laura's betrayal is nothing which can easily be forgiven. She knew that you weren't ready for kids and now she pins the child of someone else on you. Every other man would have left and filed for divorce, but you stayed. Why?" his Mom demanded answers. Subtly, he always knew that there was an inner drive making him stay, but until that moment he couldn't tell what it was. Now he knew it was the realisation that Laura needed his help and Ryan would too. He couldn't leave two fragile souls without a protecting shield and no matter what Laura screamed at him and accused him for, all he did he did for protecting them._

_"I think I can't do this. No, I can't do this to you," Sandy replied, his words directed to his son. "I know what it's like to grow up without a father. It would be unfair letting him going through it too, while I'm there capable of preventing it," he went on not taking his eyes off Ryan._

_"But do you think that this is the right thing to do? Laura has changed, and I'm afraid to say it's not to her benefit," his Mom put the finger on the wound. Yes, Laura had changed and the change would only get worse. Later Sandy would read an article saying that giving birth to a child could trigger an inherent condition such as Laura's._

_"I know Mom, but it's not your fault that you were born into such a crazy family," Sandy said again he spoke to Ryan. No, it wasn't Ryan's fault that he was born into a broken family and already then Sandy was sure that he would be the one struggling to keep Ryan afloat in a flood of mistakes, failures and pressure. Only Sandy didn't know that he'd fail his son so badly._

_"No, it's not, but then you need to take your job as father serious and risk Laura stomping on your feelings as she pleases," his Mom spoke out aloud what Sandy not even dared to think, but she had a point and he couldn't deny that._

_"I know," Sandy solely replied. He turned his attention back to his son who had opened his eyes again. With big eyes he started staring at him again and Sandy started stroking his cheek gently with his index finger causing Ryan to squeal with joy and laugh. Sandy's heart opened widely for his son, ready for him to enter and he did with exactly that one smile, which Sandy would never forget. It was such a unique smile, the first smile he gave to him. From that moment on it was useless pretending as if Ryan wasn't his, his son._

As soon as Ryan was gone and Caleb told them that it was better to leave him some space for now to cool down, Kirsten, Seth and Sandy went home. Kirsten had mixed feelings about what she had witnessed or better, what she had listened to. It was an explanation for the cracks in the relationship between Sandy and Ryan and it could make her understand Ryan's sentiments regarding her and the whole new situation. But it also confused her. Why didn't Sandy tell her about it? And how was it possible anyway? She knew that Sandy wasn't a perfect Dad, but who was? There was nothing like a perfect parent. You could only try as hard as you could, but there are always times when you have to realise that you somehow failed. No, it was a perfect explanation to everything. It was an explanation for why Sandy could spend so much time courting her while his son was seriously sick. Maybe it wasn't that much Ryan who didn't want his father around, but it was Sandy who made his son not wanting him around by not wanting to be around his son. This was abstruse. Something which made things appear clear blurred them only further at the same time. Kirsten kept her cool until they arrived at home and her son disappeared in his room. Then it was only her and Sandy in the den and the thick silence of shame.

"So, are there any particular reasons, for you not telling me the truth?" she asked Sandy briskly. She needed to lie down the law to him. She wouldn't accept any more lies.

"It's difficult. I didn't want to lose you. I was scared you could decide that I bring too much baggage into this relationship," Sandy tried once again to demonstrate that he was the one who self-sacrificed for the benefits of others, although he sacrificed his son and their relationship instead.

"Thanks, now I know what impression I made on you," she huffed.

"Kirsten, I didn't mean it that way, but I think you do know how difficult it is to find someone who doesn't run the second you tell him or her that you're a father of a teenage boy," he replied. He had a point there. She had experienced herself how carefully you needed to approach the topic of already existing kids when you wanted to build up a relationship.

"And it felt great realising that you had a son the same age too. But I'm not only the father of a teenager but of a serious sick teenager. That's not the best condition to start something with someone else, but you put up with it with more understanding and support I would've ever expected from you then. But telling you that Ryan was not my son? I feared that this information could be the last straw; that it would be the one thing making you decide that there were definitely too many problems," he told her and somehow he was right. If she'd known that Ryan wasn't his son, she might have not given their relationship a chance, but knowing it now made her rethink it as well.

"Well, whatever you were thinking, it was wrong not telling me and right now I have the feeling as if I don't know the man I'm facing at this moment. Is there more I should know about? Anymore kids, maybe?" She knew she was being sarcastic, but she had to vent her fury.

"That should be all," Sandy answered her.

"Good, because I doubt I could've taken any more. I doubt that I can take this here," she nearly screamed.

"Kirsten, I'm…I'm sorry," Sandy stammered.

"Sorry isn't helping here," she now screamed. How could he think that a simple sorry could erase the fact that he'd been lying to her for so long?

"Damn it Kirsten, how would you've reacted if I had told you that Ryan wasn't my son? And don't tell me that you would've been all understanding and so on," Sandy now screamed back.

"I might have asked you whether it was really okay with Ryan that you spent all your time with Seth and me, or whether it was mere means of circumventing your issues." And suddenly she realised that it not only wasn't okay now that she knew, but that it hadn't been okay then when she didn't know, too. She was a mother. She shouldn't have allowed Sandy to spend all his time with her and her son. She shouldn't have been so selfish as to believe that a sick teenager preferred being alone instead of being cared of. Ryan might not be as needy as Seth, but he was still a kid and all kids needed care when they weren't well no matter whether they said differently.

"And where would this have gotten us?" Sandy asked.

"Did you actually only once waste a thought about your son and how he must feel about our relationship? I mean, I knew that it wouldn't be easy for Seth, after his real father failed him so badly. But Ryan? He's lost his only real parent. You obviously don't…I…don't know …you don't seem to think of him like your son," Kirsten struggled finding the right way to put what she thought. "And…I'm obviously not his real parent…and I'll never be able to take his mother's position and…then Seth's behaviour and the move…he must feel awful right now. I can't even imagine how he must feel," Kirsten tried to express. "How could you possibly do this to him? He's your son after all!" Kirsten added. She had trouble to wrap her head around the fact that Sandy wasn't Ryan's father and it was even more difficult to accept what it had led Sandy to do.

"Kirsten, it's…difficult. It's been from the very beginning," Sandy stammered, but that was not enough for her. What she wanted was an explanation she could understand, because in that very moment she felt the urge to make a decision.

"Sandy, that's not enough. I …I'm a parent as well…a blind one, because I should've known from the very beginning that Ryan could impossibly be as understanding as you made me believe," she told him.

"Jesus, Kirsten. You have no idea what you're talking about," Sandy suddenly spurted out.

"Then explain it to me. I'm here and I want to understand," she insisted on answers. Sandy sighed and turned away from her. Her heart ached at seeing him at a loss like that, but it was his fault. He should've been honest to her from the very beginning. He didn't want to lose her. Of course it was somehow charming that a man tried to keep away his dark secrets to not deter her way from him, but they were no teenagers anymore. This was real life and they had to arrange their lives around each other's flaws too. She rubbed her face in her hands. She needed to stay clear now.

"Okay, we've established that it was difficult from the very beginning. But why? Sandy talk to me! You can't possibly be thinking that a relationship can work when we're not talking about our issues and especially when we're not honest with each other. I won't judge. Just listen and maybe try to find a way to solve this," she encouraged Sandy to talk, because no matter how much this breach of trust weighed, she still was incapable of losing him. She watched him how he took a deep breath as to brace himself.

"Alright, let's try it this way," Sandy finally started looking into her eyes. "When Seth was born and you held him in your arms for the first time, what did you feel?" he asked her. She didn't understand what he meant with that question.

**_Sandy's POV_**

Sandy knew that Kirsten had a right to know the truth, but it was just so fucking difficult. The wounds have just healed and he had found his way of dealing. It wasn't a very good one and it didn't work all the time, but it was the one which inflicted minimal damage to Ryan. Now he stood in front of the pieces left of what he had built up over years and the wounds started to ache again, too. This was what Sandy had tried to prevent. He wasn't capable of bearing any more of that pain and he wasn't capable of dealing with Ryan being constantly reminded of this pain either.

"I've been overwhelmed and proud and happy and…it's impossible to put this feeling in words," she said frowning, not understanding where he wanted to go with his question.

"See, and when Ryan was born I was shocked and angry. I didn't even want to see him. The first time I held him in my arms was several weeks after his birth when he was already at home and Laura wasn't there to sooth him and the only way stopping him disturbing my work was rocking him in my arms," he explained to her. That moment indeed had triggered something. That moment showed him that it was impossible to blame Ryan for what Laura had done. Sandy had felt how Ryan was working his way to his heart the very second the smooth skin touched his. Sandy had fought hard against it to happen, but eventually lost the battle. He had built a wall around him, because he didn't want to forgive Laura for what she had done and accepting Ryan as his would have been just that: a sign of forgiveness he was reluctant to give. That's why he had to hide his true feelings for his son when Laura was around.

"And what did you feel?" she asked him bluntly and Sandy knew he had to open up to her, tell her his reasons.

"I…I was confused. He wasn't my son and I wasn't supposed to…love him," he stuttered.

"You weren't supposed to?" Kirsten asked critically.

"I didn't want to forgive Laura for the betrayal…I couldn't accept Ryan as my son, as painful as it was."

"Laura made a mistake. Don't you think she was reminded of it every day?"

"She knew, but she would've done more, humiliated me further, if I had forgiven her…"

"Wait, if she was such a terrible wife, why didn't you leave her?"

"Damn it Kirsten, Laura was…sick. It was like having two children to bring up and I hoped she would get help and become the woman again she'd been when we met. But she didn't."

"But it is not Ryan's fault. That you were angry with your wife is understood, but Ryan…he's the victim here. He had no choice," she sounded upset and she was right.

"I know and I want nothing more than to be the father for him he deserves. I did the outmost I could to…let Ryan know that, in my own twisted way, he was my son and that I saw him as such, but Laura's betrayal will always stand between him and me."

"Then you have to overcome it. It's wrong to let a child suffer the consequences of his parents' wrong doings. I witnessed what it did to Seth, I know what I'm talking about," Kirsten answered bluntly and her words felt like a knife twisted in his heart. He was too weak. He didn't risk making the break.

"Don't you think I know that? I don't know how often I was thinking about taking Ryan and just leave her? But was I supposed to take his mother away from him? To take his family away from him?"

"Of course not, but…"

"But what?" Sandy realised that it was impossible to make Kirsten understand what he went through all those years. It was impossible to make her understand how hurt he was when once again Ryan reminded him of the fact that they were far away from being like father and son.

**_Later that night_**

_Ryan couldn't tell when it started, but at some point of time he started to be scared of his Mom. She's been crying a lot lately and he didn't know what to do to make her stop. He tried hard to get better again, but the doctors kept telling him that he wasn't healed yet. Ryan tried harder, but no matter how hard he tried it didn't work and his mother kept crying. Ryan decided to stop being a baby and to grow up and so he did. He stopped crying when he was scared or when the treatments hurt him. It seemed to help, because his Mom cried less when he stayed strong. He stopped telling her that he was scared, because when he wasn't scared she was neither and thus didn't cry. Ryan believed that she was happy again. He told her she could stay home at nights since he was already a big boy. At first she's been reluctant to do so, but later she did and Ryan saw that it helped her. Her eyes had been brighter again and she was smiling more and cried less. But she was still crying too much and at some point he told her she didn't need to stay with him during his treatments, but she wouldn't go. But Ryan started to feel disturbed when his Mom sat by his side crying and he told her he didn't want her there anymore when he got his treatments. It helped, because she cried even less. She was nearly his Mom again, until the doctors came and told her that the treatments didn't work and that they had to try something else, something more risky. He would never forget how she slummed down on a chair and broke into teary sobs. Ryan wanted her to stop, because he wanted her to comfort him after such bad news, but she didn't. He was scared shitless, but his mother was crying and she wouldn't stop. She didn't stop until he got up, sat down on her lap and hugged her. He started telling her that everything was going to be alright and that soon he would get better again. He told her what she used to tell him when he was scared, and it helped. After a while she stopped crying. Her make-up was smeared, but she smiled at him and Ryan knew that he had done the right thing._

_When Ryan became older he understood that his mother was breaking under all the strain and suffering so he tried his best to keep her as far away from his misery as possible, even if it meant crying himself to sleep and not feeling her warm comforting hugs around him anymore. He'd sacrifice himself for her, because he owned her. She'd given up her career for him. She had given up on the man she was truly in love with putting up with his Dad instead. She deserved a break._

Ryan was sitting at the safeguard station what felt like hours. The sun was long gone and the breeze coming from the sea was cold, making him freeze, but he had no nerves to go back where the chaos and assaults were awaiting him. Ryan was confused. What had gone wrong? What had happened? And the more he thought about this question trying to find the answer the more confused he got. Truth, he and his father never had a classic father-son-relationship. But it had worked for both of them though. Ryan could rely on his father, somehow, in a very twisted way. Sometimes he even knew better what Ryan needed than his Mom did. Ryan also sensed that part of the reason was his father's strange relationship to Ryan's mother. He could tell when his father would be there and when not. And most importantly, his father had been there when the shit hit the fan. But since his father met Kirsten, everything had changed for the worst. Ryan couldn't relay on his father anymore and his father got angry at things he never used to get angry at and he said things he would've never said before. Something in their twisted relationship broke, but Ryan couldn't put a finger on what it was and how exactly it happened. Of course Ryan asked himself whether he had done something wrong. Had he been too needy? Had he been too sick? Should he have rather forgotten about his pride and forgive Seth easily for what he said? Ryan had no answers. He could only tell that he was hurting and with each day a little more. What was wrong with him that he always seemed to be the thorn in someone's side? Ryan shook his head and rubbed his hands over his face. He was tired and cold to the bones. He had to go back. He wanted to sleep and just forget about this, added to that the cramped muscles in his back started to ache.

Ryan dropped down on the bed when he was finally back. The lights in the house were already switched off, but he could hear Seth's music playing in the room next to the one he stayed in and there was also light sweeping through the closed doors where Kirsten and his father were sleeping in. As soon as Ryan closed the door the oppressive feeling of not being welcomed hit him. He…

"I don't know why you came back, but seriously, nobody would've missed you if you'd stayed wherever you come from," Seth suddenly stormed into the room and verbally assaulted him, catching Ryan off guard.

"Your Dad and my Mom were fighting, because of you. I really don't need any more of this fighting shit, so you should really consider going to fucking L.A. and maybe to never come back again. We don't need you here," Seth spat these words into Ryan's face. Ryan stayed mute unable to react to Seth's harsh words flying towards him, hitting their target like a swarm of daggers. As quick as Seth had appeared in the room as quick was he gone, leaving Ryan in the middle of the room and drowning in the words he said. Probably Seth was right and Ryan really should consider leaving back for New York. He could stay at his grandma's. The Nana wouldn't mind, as she didn't mind him staying with her when his father went to visit Kirsten and Seth. But his father wouldn't allow it. Ryan sighed. A soft knock on his door pulled him back to reality.

"Seth, I totally understood. No need to waste anymore words!" Ryan screamed out his frustration hoping Seth would back off. No such luck, Ryan thought when the door started to crack open a bit, but as soon as he saw Kirsten's head peeking through the crack Ryan blushed of embarrassment. She really wasn't supposed to hear what he had just said.

"Hey, it's me. Can I come in? I…think we should talk," she said. Ryan only nodded. He wished for being struck by thunder and drop dead instantly. Was this night going to be endless?

"Here, I thought you could need something to warm you from inside. The nights here can be quite chilly," Kirsten handed him a mug of steaming tea and then sat down on the chair at the desk, pulling her dressing gown a little tighter around her waist.

"Uh…thanks," Ryan stammered sitting down on the end of the bed opposite her.

"Did Seth say something to you?" Kirsten started what felt like the beginning of an inquisition. Ryan immediately shook his head. He wouldn't rat on Seth. He was old enough to solve his problems on his own without running to his Dad or to Kirsten telling them how unfair Seth was being.

"I know I let it slide. I should've put an end to his behaviour. He hasn't been himself lately, even before you arrived here. I really need to find out what's going on with him. Usually he's not like that," she started to apologise for her son's behaviour. Ryan tilted his head. This was very new. Since when wasn't it him who was wrong? Maybe this was just a dream, he thought rolling the warm mug between his hands.

"Well, actually I…I wanted to apologise and let you know that…I'm sorry for not being very sensitive. From Seth's reaction I should've realised that this new situation was difficult to handle for you too, but…somehow your fa…Sandy convinced me from you being okay with it," she started to talk and Ryan had no idea where she headed with that. He stayed silent instead.

"I don't know what had gotten into me. I'm really sorry and now with knowing that you and Sandy that you are…well, I really should know that this is not easy for you and that you need more time and space to adjust. Anyway, if you…need help and if it was because Seth is once more doesn't show himself at his best, tell me. I know I can't replace your mother and I don't want to. But maybe…we can become something like friends," Kirsten said. She was nervously fidgeting with the rings on her fingers. She looked at him, waiting for him to say something.

"Yeah…uh thanks…and, there's really no need for tiptoeing around the fact that Sandy's not my father. It's easier for us and I can handle it," he told her. He should feel glad that someone in that house started to think of him, but he wasn't. Kirsten wasn't the one he wanted to apologise to him and offer help. He wanted his father to sit just there where Kirsten sat and telling him that he didn't mean to hurt Ryan with his decision and that he would be there for him.


	6. Chp 5: Line

A/NThanks again for your reviews. Of course there will be more of Rose and Caleb in the later chapters. I usually update on Sundays, but unfortunately I don't manage to update weekly. There's just too much going on here ;)

**Chapter 5:**

_Sandy came home early that day only to find his wife and son fighting again. They were fighting a lot lately and it always resolved around the same topic._

_"Ryan, you need to practice," his wife insisted. She didn't notice his presence, but he noticed her hysteric tone she always got when things didn't work out the way she wanted them to._

_"But I have loads of homework to do and we wanted to meet at the cinema tonight," Ryan begged. Sandy had watched his son carefully lately and realised that Ryan seemed a little tired of practicing. It actually seemed that his son started to develop a serious case of reluctance. As sad as it would be if Ryan suddenly decided to drop his mother's dreams of him becoming a famous pianist, Sandy knew that it would be his wife faults. She didn't leave Ryan room to breathe, but Ryan needed it. He had reached the crucial age in which he needed to find out who he was and what he wanted. _

_"You have to prioritise properly," Laura replied relentlessly._

_"Yeah, and my priorities are homework and friends for the day," Ryan countered brashly. Sandy was taken aback. Ryan had never openly opposed his mother like that, but this was probably the result of lack of freedom. He was caught in a tough schedule which organised every single day from early morning to late night. Of course Ryan wanted more freedoms. He was a teenager._

_"I won't give my permission."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"I won't permit you going to the cinema tonight and neglecting the piano music."_

_"But everybody goes. Why can't I just for once skip practice?"_

_"Because becoming a musician means sacrifice," Laura explained to him. Sandy decided it was time to make her aware of his presence and cleared his throat. _

_"Sandy, you're back again?"_

_"Yeah, the meeting was postponed. What's this quarrel about?" he asked as if he didn't know._

_"Mom won't let me go out with my friends tonight," his son complained._

_"Sandy, he's neither finished his homework, nor did he practice. He doesn't have the time for meeting up with his friends," Laura explained her point of view to him._

_"Ryan, would you please go to your room and start on your homework? Because there's definitely no leaving this apartment without that being done," Sandy said sternly._

_"I'm already gone, have never been here. But please stop asking why I don't invite any friends over, since I don't even get a fucking chance making some," Ryan snapped and then stormed off to his room._

_"Sandy, what are you doing?" his wife asked furiously._

_"Getting involved," Sandy stated matter-of-factly._

_"But we agreed that music was my part, since you don't care about it," Laura snapped at him._

_"We agreed that you're the one who can judge better what's important when it comes to his music, yes. But don't you see what you're doing? You're smothering him with all your demands," Sandy said calmly, hoping he could make her accept that Ryan was not a machine, but a young human being. It pained him seeing how Ryan spent weekend after weekend in their apartment practicing until he was too tired to go out at night with his friends._

_"What are you implying? I'm acting in Ryan's best interest here."_

_"And I never doubted that, but if you keep Ryan locked up in this apartment, you'll make him an outcast," Sandy replied. How could she be so blind, not seeing that their son needed more?_

_"I am not making him an outcast. I'm just making sure that he won't regret anything later."_

_"But he will regret this here later if he wakes up one day and realises that everything he'd been doing was studying and practicing."_

_"Or he'll wake up thinking of what he could've become if he'd just taken his practice serious," his wife countered. _

_"Laura, I'm not talking about Ryan quitting the piano at all. All I'm…he's asking for is just a little more time for himself and that can't be too much asked for," Sandy tried to open Laura's eyes. "Look, Ryan's already other-directed enough through his sickness. He does need some space for himself, space to develop and decide on his own what he wants," Sandy tried to draw the picture of Ryan's situation._

_"Alright, he can go, but he has to add more time for his practice on Saturday and Sunday," Laura insisted. Sandy sighed. He didn't win much for his son, at least not more freedom. But at least Ryan got his one evening out. Back then for Sandy every day seemed like a walk on a tight rope: he didn't want Ryan being caught between the chairs, but feeling how Ryan slowly slipped away from him hurt too. But Sandy also knew that every decision he made was the wrong one: either Ryan hated him because Sandy was neglectful or he hated him because Sandy tried to raise him against his mother._

Sandy stared at the leaflet in his hands. It was the one inviting his son to the workshop in L.A. his son was on his way to. No, it hadn't been easy for Sandy to allow his son to go there, but maybe it was good for him. Maybe Ryan would learn that only because Sandy didn't always understand him and couldn't relate to his ideas and opinions, it didn't mean that there was no one left who understood after his Mom died. He stared at the one name which had rung his alarm bells instantly when he looked at the leaflet for the first time. Suddenly Sandy wasn't so sure anymore whether not telling his son the true reason for his reluctance to give him permission for attending the workshop was the right way handling the situation. On the other hand, if his son had known he might have accused him for shipping him off to someone else. Worst of all, Ryan might truly have felt like that. Sandy just wanted to open a door for him, give him a chance to make a new start on his own. Ryan was old enough. He should make his own decisions about how to go on from here, Sandy thought. He couldn't keep Ryan with him in Newport against his will, but he also couldn't let him go alone. And Sandy kept staring at the name. This plan might as well backfire. Then he'd been the one who messed it up. But no matter how Sandy turned this matter, he would always end up being the one who made the mistake. With this realisation he kept on staring at the one name which could mean heaven or hell.

**_In L.A._**

Ryan hated to admit, but after two days he wasn't sure whether L.A. had been the right decision. He really loved music and he couldn't imagine a life without it, but he also couldn't imagine a life which only consisted of music either. But exactly that seemed to be the case for most of the other attendees, his roommates for example. They were nice guys but Ryan doubted that they've ever purchased any music which was younger than two hundred years, let alone purchasing contemporary music. Surely not everything which was played on the radio lately could be considered as a big musical achievement but Ryan still liked it, since, in his opinion music, didn't always need to be a big creation, but was supposed to touch the listener's feelings and that not always needed scores as thick as a book. Unfortunately Ryan realised that he was quite alone with that opinion and that it was not such a good idea mentioning it within a group of aspiring professional musicians. For once his father seemed to have been right and exactly this one time it was Ryan who got is will against his father's. Great. Ryan sighed. He was glad that it was only two weeks, although he was already tired of talking about music. Damn, did these guys do have a life besides music? Ryan knew he had not much of a life either, but he always tried to get some sort of distraction from his Mom and music as well, because from time to time he always felt as if it was smothering him. He just needed a timeout from time to time. Anyway, he had to get through this and he couldn't waste his chance only because he somehow didn't get along with the others. Ryan suppressed the feeling of uncertainty of whether this was what he really wanted. He had fought for it for so long and he wouldn't give up on it now. Out of whatever reason Ryan was reminded of Rufus. He really missed this little guy. At least he'd always been there and he never complained when Ryan didn't want to be the perfect son anymore. He always took him as he was. Sometimes Ryan wondered what Rufus was doing, but he was quite sure that he wasn't among the living anymore and he hoped that the last few years of his have been pleasant.

"Well, hurry up my little minions, we don't have time to waste," their teacher, Prof. Dr. McGrath from the Royal Academy of Music, told them. Ryan always had thought the British being stiff, suit-wearing people who behaved formally. This McGrath guy instead looked rather like a surfer not finding the direction to the beach. Only his accent revealed him not being from California.

Every day started the same: first a few hours theory followed by practicing their instruments. Ryan had hoped being assigned to someone else than McGrath, but no such luck. Ryan didn't really like this guy. It felt as he was eyeing every step Ryan made. No matter where Ryan was, he had the feeling that this man, at least his eyes, were following him. Added to that, Ryan didn't like strangers asking personal question. This man was supposed him to teach him how to improve his piano play, nothing else.

"Ryan, you're not here with your thoughts," McGrath reproached him later during a practice session when Ryan made the same mistake the felt hundredth time.

"Sorry," Ryan apologised sitting straighter upright on the piano-stool. His back was aching from all the sitting or from whatever it was. Who had thought that music could be so tiresome? He stretched out his legs which felt like having gone dead.

"You really need to take this more serious. You're talented, indeed, but talent is not enough. It needs hard work becoming a professional," McGrath lectured him. Ryan couldn't tell how often his Mom had said this to him. Ryan was sure that this was right, but he didn't want to spend his lifetime practicing especially because he didn't know how much time he had left.

"I…just didn't have much time practicing lately," Ryan replied. He wanted to get over with this lecture.

"You need to take it. This here has to be your priority", McGrath insisted.

"Maybe, but I'm just not ready for giving up everything else for the music," Ryan snapped. This topic was just a sore point. How often had he been fighting with his Mom for only a few more hours for himself?

"You have to overcome this. It's a phase to get through. Believe me, we all had our times when we wanted to quit and just do something else. But the sacrifice will be worth it," McGrath talked with so much enthusiasm that Ryan felt bad for not being open for it. His enthusiasm had left him years ago.

"Yeah, maybe," Ryan answered solely. He didn't want to discuss this any further.

**_In the evening_**

Ryan made use of the leisure time they had after dinner and retreated to a quiet place. It was the roof of the hotel they stayed in. It had a nice view all over L.A. Ryan was listening to some quiet music while reading. These were the moments he enjoyed most: nobody bugged him and he was alone and free to decide what he wanted to do. Nobody told him do this, do that and nobody requested anything from him. He was just free and these moments were rare and required being enjoyed entirely undisturbed. The more annoyed he was when he heard a voice from behind calling his name.

"Ryan?" It was McGrath. Somehow Ryan had already sensed that this guy wouldn't leave the topic of their last conversation be.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" he asked and then just sat down next to him without waiting for Ryan to answer. He didn't start talking immediately but kept staring at Ryan instead. Ryan hated being stared at which was basically the reason why he hated being on stage. He wasn't just the type who felt comfortable being in the centre of anyone's attention.

"You're not really happy about being here, are you?" he finally asked him. Ryan shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know what he felt lately. Everything seemed messed up and no matter what decision he made it never seemed to be the right one.

"But you need to get your act together. There are so many others out there who'd give their right hand for what you got. Don't throw it away just like that," he started talking again.

"I know, but it's not easy right now," Ryan sighed. He was tired of this topic. He was tired of people telling him what he was supposed to do. Was it a crime when he decided not to become a musician? Was it a crime when he wanted to try something else? All those people made him feel like a delinquent.

"You know, your Mom wouldn't want you to give up," McGrath said calmly, but Ryan felt like struck by lightning and turned to face this man who had just crossed an invisible line he wasn't supposed to cross.

"How do you know my mother?" Ryan asked warily. Ryan couldn't put a finger on it, but there was something about that guy creeping him out a little. He got too close and Ryan didn't like it if people he barely knew got too close.

"Oh…we…met when I spent some time at the Julliard. She was great person, very talented but also hardworking. Her death meant a big loss to a lot of people," McGrath talked on touching this forbidden spot. Ryan hated it if strangers who obviously didn't know shit about his Mom started talking as if they'd been best friends whereas in fact they didn't care at all. It felt unfair to Ryan that these people by saying empty words like that relieved their conscience on his and his father's costs.

"Really? And where have all those people been?" Ryan asked bitterly, got up and left.

"Ryan wait, I'm sorry," McGrath called after him, but Ryan didn't stop. This man had gone one step too far and Ryan wouldn't forgive him that. Who the fuck did he think he was? Did he really think that mentioning his mother would make Ryan take that shit more serious? Did he think that a bad conscience was the drive Ryan needed to be the wunderkind everybody wanted him to be?

Ryan still remembered the day of his mother's funeral. Not many people attended it. In fact it was just family: his Dad, his Mom's parents and the Nana. Nobody else cared enough to come by. Afterwards it's just been him and his Dad. There has nobody been offering them help. His Mom's parents accused his father for having driven her to death while he stood in the same room. They just came to grab what they needed and the rest was left to him and his Dad. They had to sort out his Mom's cloths and personal things. His Grandma, the Nana, had helped as much as she could, be she had a fulltime job back then and thus couldn't be there twenty-four-seven. She'd told them what to do with the cloths and she had been the one finding places where they could get help mourning his Mom's death. The last one, his father and Ryan never took advantage of. And now there was this guy who barely knew what really went on at home and started talking as if he and his Mom had been best friends. Ryan hated it. And suddenly for once Ryan knew what he really wanted: he wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to be bothered by his Mom's death, by the cancer or the fucking piano for that matter. All he wanted was quiet, peaceful freedom.


	7. Chp 6: more than friends

**A/N: Hey, so here's a new chapter. I thought after Sandy saying that he wouldn't want to challenge paternity it was clear that he was the legal father. And with that it doesn't matter what the will of Laura would've said, because there was still one legal paret left.**

**So, now I need your help. After this chapter I need to decide how to finish the story and I'll have 3-4 options left. Do you have suggestions? Other than: Sandy can't be rehabilitated? ;)**

**Chapter 6:**

_He was sitting on the balcony of their apartment, thinking. It had been a really fucked up day. First he had a fight with Josseline at school. She'd been his girlfriend until he relapsed, but he was certain that their relationship started to be dysfunctional some time before that happened. She only needed some good reason to break it up. Then orchestra rehearsal had been a mess. It felt as if he couldn't keep in time and on top of all this, his Dad forgot to pick him up after rehearsal. All that added to his overall tiredness was summed up in a really bad day, but what was bothering him most was that his father didn't even try to seem sorry for his forgetfulness. It wasn't like this picking up thing was just a nice to have. This was established in hopes it would give him and his Dad some one-on-one time, something Ryan would have appreciated, really. But his father obviously didn't, because why else did he forget about it the third time in a row? It was once again time for Ryan to think about what he did wrong to deserve it and once again questioned whether this blond man from the hospital corridor could be the solution for his problems. _

_"Hey Ryan," his Mom said when she sat down next to him, handing him a cup of steaming coffee._

_"Please Mom, don't tell me not to take it personally and such, because right now I want to take it personally, because it's hard not to anymore," he told his Mom to back off from any kind of placation._

_"I can imagine, but he really doesn't mean it," she said though._

_"Oh, and how does he mean it then? For me it seems as if he's running out of ideas of how to show me that I'm not his son!" he spat. He was being mean and his Mom definitely was the wrong target for his anger, but she was the only one who was home and the only one who cared for once._

_"Ryan, please," his Mom tried to sooth him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Through the fabric of his shirt he could feel that the hand was cold as ice. He always wondered how his Mom was capable of playing the piano with such ice cold hands. He looked up into her eyes, hoping that maybe she had a solution for the mess he was stuck in._

_"Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea of getting to know that man who's my biological father," he suggested. This had been a difficult issue between him and his Mom until she died._

_"Ryan, I…this is not easy. It would only complicate things," she explained to him a felt hundredth time. Ryan sensed that this topic made her feel uncomfortable and somehow she herself didn't sound way too convinced of her own explanation of why he couldn't meet this man._

_"For you, but…maybe it could make things easier for me?"_

_"How? For your Dad it's hard enough as it is. I fear that might only strain your relationship any further." She suddenly sounded angry. _

_"Yeah, but maybe my real Dad will accept me, you know? Don't you think that, if I just left, things would just get back to normal again?" he asked her. He didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but he was despaired since he had no explanation to why his life came apart at the seams._

_"Ryan, don't talk like that!" his Mom exclaimed. "Life might not be easy, but it doesn't mean that I would want it any different," she told him determinedly, pulling him into her arms, but Ryan fought her embrace. Yes, that might be what his mother wanted, but it definitely wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a quite peaceful life without fights and accusations and without everybody making him feel like he was an unwanted burden._

_"It's hard to believe that," he told his Mom and then left for his room._

**_Later that night_**

_Ryan never listened to the conversation Sandy and Laura had that night. It was the one memory which should have made him foresee how Ryan would react to his incapability of being a father._

_He came home tired from his job. It had been a long day and all he wanted was taking a shower and then watch some TV to get his mind off things._

_"You're late," his wife said as soon as he entered the apartment. _

_"I know, I'm sorry," he apologised not sure in which mood she was lately._

_"Don't apologise to me. Apologise to your son, whom you was supposed to pick up from rehearsal;" she told him._

_"You know Thursday is my busy day and you also know that I planned a whole weekend for Ryan and me, but you don't seem to want Ryan and me spending time together," he snapped. He was sick of his wife's hypocrisy. She did everything to make Sandy seem like the bad neglectful Dad and as much as Sandy knew that he was no role-model of father, he knew that he tried hard and could be a much better Dad if Laura wouldn't constantly cross his plans._

_"Oh c'mon, Sandy. Don't blame me for your forgetfulness or should I call it neglect instead," his wife countered bitterly._

_"No Laura, not this time. You knew I had tickets for the Knicks this weekend and you also know I wanted it to be a surprise and then you suddenly decide it was so much more important for Ryan playing a spontaneous concert instead? You're not playing fair and you know it, making Ryan think I give shit, whereas you're the one not giving me a damn chance," Sandy snarled. He didn't want Ryan to listen to this. He didn't want his son to think bad about his mother. These were issues between him and his wife._

_"He doesn't care about basketball anyways."_

_"You sure?" he asked. Sandy had seen Ryan play on the school team and since then he doubted that Ryan disliked it. But he also knew that his wife was not herself anymore, she hadn't been for years. He had to be careful, because if he made her shut down on him, he would've never been able to reach her as to get her help._

_"Whatever, but Ryan's really in a bad state right now and that's because of you" she alleged. At her last words, his alarm bells started ringing._

_"Is he sick again?" he asked worried._

_"No, that's not what I mean. I was talking about his emotional state. He earlier suggested that it might be better if he wasn't living with us anymore. He practically told me that he rather wanted to live with his father he doesn't even know than with us anymore. That should be alarming to you," she insisted._

_"It is, believe me. But shouldn't this give you also reason to rethink your policy and I not only mean regarding me, but also regarding Kurt? Ryan has a right to know who he is. He has a right of identity, don't you think?" he asked her. He couldn't imagine how it felt not knowing who your father was, but Ryan was smart and had reached an age in which it was important to find out who he was. He thought it was only understandable that he wanted to get to know his father._

_"What?" Laura had nearly screamed. Only then he understood what she thought he had implied with his question._

_"I'm sorry, it came out wrong. I don't want him to leave either, but…if that helps him dealing with whatever he's going through then it was a good idea," he explained himself. _

_"You exactly know what he's going through. It's your negligence which makes him want to know his biological father. We wouldn't have this discussion if you would show more interest in your son and maybe show him what he means to you instead of only telling me," she replied. He couldn't deny that she had a point, but then again: he had never been neglectful on purpose and he had reached a point on which he was incapable of taking the blame alone. Laura snatched away every single chance he got to be a father to Ryan. It felt like they were fighting about who was the better parent, who got to spent more time with their son and Laura always won the battle. But Sandy also knew that she didn't win them on fair terms. How often had he seen Ryan being torn between his Mom and his friends while at the end he decided for his Mom, always, no matter how hard it must've been for him?_

_"All right, it's my fault, again. But don't you think that your attitude concerning this issue is wrong? He won't stop asking and doubting his place, unless he knows where he comes from," he tried to make her see what she was too blind to for._

_"You don't understand me. Kurt is not good for him. He made use of my unstable condition. If he was a good person he wouldn't have done so."_

_"Laura…" but he didn't get a chance to express his thought._

_"Sandy, I feel it. Kurt would hurt Ryan only more. Believe me. He's not interested in Ryan. There's something else behind his interest."_

Kirsten helped Sandy unpack the boxes. The moving company had arrived early in the morning and Sandy wanted Ryan to come back to a real home. Caleb had helped finding the right place for him and his son. It was a nice little house at the beach, not as massive and intimidating as Kirsten's home. Sandy hoped that Ryan would feel more comfortable there and could make Newport Beach his new home.

"Uhm…Sandy, is there something you want to tell me?" Kirsten asked him anxiously with a weird look on her face.

"Why? What's wrong?" Sandy asked her back. What had he done wrong this time? But then Kirsten hold up several CD's and read out loud what was on the covers.

"Marilyn Manson? Nirvana…uh…Rammstein, aren't you a little too old for that?" Sandy sighed with relief.

"These are Ryan's," Sandy confirmed with a smirk.

"Marilyn Manson? Are you sure your son should listen to that? I mean, you know what they say about him and…" Sandy cut her off, putting his hand up to halt her.

"Please, not you too. Laura already gave Ryan hell for that. It's just music. Okay, very angry music with a lot of bad language, but other than that? I rather want my son to let off steam by listening to music which contains bad language than him taking it out on others," Sandy replied.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," Kirsten apologised.

"You didn't…it's…just that everybody always keeps telling what's best for my son. Laura always told me I didn't know what was best for Ryan. No matter what I did, she always told me that Ryan wouldn't like it," Sandy opened up a little. He had to let her in in his difficulties with Ryan. He had to play with open cards, because only then she had a chance to understand and to adjust.

"And was she right?" Kirsten asked with a concerned look on her face.

"Sometimes, I guess. But then, when I got a chance to override her opinion, he really enjoyed some of our trips, although Laura predicted that he'd hate it. I don't know. I mean, no matter how often I told her that Ryan wasn't made for the stage, she never listened to me," he explained to Kirsten. No, he never deliberately neglected his son. But at some point, missing Ryan's concerts, not supporting his ambitions anymore was the only way left for him to demonstrate his disapproval of what his wife did to their son. He never demanded his son to quit. He merely asked his wife to take it a little slower and his wife turned this request into something which his son saw as lack of acceptance from his father's side.

"You sure about that one? I mean teenagers can be quite clear when it comes to things they don't like," Kirsten tried to help him. But her doubting him too wasn't helping at all. He got up. He hated Laura for what she had done, but he hated her more for just leaving behind a mess without him standing a chance of sorting it out.

"You haven't seen him. You haven't seen how distressed he was every time a concert with the orchestra came up. He couldn't handle the jitters. He wasn't sleeping for days before the actual date and…he's just not made for the stage."

"Well, he seems to be a very private person, nearly withdrawn," Kirsten suddenly confirmed. Would Ryan have been so skittish around her if he was outgoing enough to like it on stage?

"Right and that's why I also don't get why Seth doesn't accept him," Sandy switched the topic, because his issues with Ryan weren't the only ones to be solved.

"Believe me, I'm doing what I can to find out what's behind all this, but he's not talking to me," Kirsten apologised. They both sighed unison and then turned back to the task of unpacking. Meanwhile Sandy made his way to the room where the instruments were placed.

"Fuck!" Sandy suddenly screamed angrily at the sight of the grand piano. His son would never forgive him that one. How could that happen? He had told these people to be careful with it. He chose this company, because they were supposed to be the ones who could be trusted with valuable goods. And now?

"Sandy, what's wrong?" Kirsten came storming towards him.

"This," Sandy motioned with his chin towards the grand-piano. Not only had the legs several scratches and bumps. No, there were big chunks off wood split-off.

"Oh dear," Kirsten gasped clasping her hand to the mouth.

"That's not all," Sandy added and then pointed to the side of the frame. There was a deep crack from one end to the other and the piano lid was broken where the hinges kept it on the rest of the frame.

"Oh no. What now?" Kirsten asked concerned.

"I don't know. Ryan will kill me if he sees this. It's his mother's piano. He set his heart on it," Sandy sighed, so much for making Ryan a home where he feels comfortable. When Ryan returned from L.A. he'll find out that his father caused even further damage to him without him even being around.

"Maybe we can get it repaired," Kirsten suggested.

"I don't know. This looks like a lost case."

"I'm sure we'll find a good piano maker. I guess my Mom knows one. Let him have a look at it," Kirsten tried to keep his hopes up.

"Let's give it a try," Sandy said defeated. No, this wasn't part of the plan.

"Uhm…I don't want to worry you any further, but I think we'll need a guitar maker as well," Kirsten said pointing at the two guitars halfway leaning at the wall, bubble wrap already torn.

"Oh…no, they've…just been birthday gifts from me. They can be replaced," Sandy said looking at the torn strings. One guitar had a broken neck. Unfortunately it wasn't a clear break which could be glued easily. The other one didn't look much better. No, this wasn't the best start for him and Ryan.

**_L.A._**

Ryan was still pissed off the next morning and the weird looks his room-mates gave him weren't helpful either. On the other hand, he shouldn't have mentioned that he knew better ways of spending his time than practicing 24/7 around those nerds. But he'd been angry and someone telling him that he didn't try hard enough, but that if he did he'd be happier wasn't what he had needed on top last night, especially not from a fourteen years old who's never experienced what life really was. Damn, how were these kids supposed to survive when the nice little bubble they lived in burst? Usually, Ryan would've called his father and asked for advice. His father might be a lost case in the usual sense of fatherhood, but he was good in giving advices, which actually weren't advices telling him what to do than rather suggestions to Ryan to try another perspective. But Ryan couldn't call. Not after their last fight and the way he left things back in Newport. So he had to solve his problems alone. Worst of all, Ryan's back started to annoy him too. The usual painkillers weren't helping much anymore and the pain started to spread into his legs, especially his left one which sometimes felt a little numb. Maybe Ryan should try physical therapy at one point when he returned to Newport. Yes, he was definitely too young for a slipped disc, but then again he probably belonged to the risk group since he hadn't done anything despite lying and sitting for quite a while. The muscles in his back needed to get accustomed to things like standing upright and walking. He was on his way to the first lecture of the day.

"Ryan, do you have a minute?" he hard McGrath's voice behind him. He'd really liked to tell this man into his face to get lost and leave him alone, but that would've been inappropriate.

"Depends on what you have to say," Ryan answered instead and turned around.

"I…wanted to apologise for what I said yesterday," McGrath said. He looked seriously crestfallen. It was hard not to accept the apology.

"Yeah, okay," Ryan said and wanted to leave, but McGrath grabbed his arm to stop him. Ryan turned around and glared at this man and pulled his arm from his grasp. He hated being grabbed like that.

"Ryan, wait…you don't understand," the man in front of him started to stammer. Ryan's pulse started racing as the adrenaline was pumped through this veins. He was ready to run, no matter what was about to come. What were this man's intentions?

"Then explain it to me," Ryan replied exaggerating his irritation.

"I knew your Mom better than you might think," he started. Ryan had no idea what this meant. He tilted his head waiting anxiously what there was about to come.

"Your Mom and I…we…were more than just friends."


End file.
